Still Standing

I was looking through my photos of things I might like to paint and there are many images of old buildings collected there.  Some in good condition and some not.  This has been a life long obsession and a theme in many of my dreams at night.  Who built this, lived there or used the place?  And I wonder where they went if the place was abandoned and why they left.  This barn has seen better days but it is still providing shelter of a sort for a few horses. The hay inside was fresh and you can see the tracks of a vehicle that has been in there recently bringing supplies I imagine.

Some days these old buildings feel like my alter ego. I have a better roof than this barn and I'm still standing.   I do provide transient shelter, food, affection, and company for some, I have moved out of the center of family life and into a peripheral role.  I am the alpha dog in a pack of one.  I am happy that those who come here chose to do so for they have lives and hearths of their own which was the plan.  The exception is the recent departure of my spouse that was not the plan but became a necessity.  Unlike these structures I record I still have the option of reinventing myself and my life and that seems to be my main business once again.

I read once that women tend to have dreams about houses when their lives were changing.  That's been my experience.  Tiny houses with secret giant rooms.  Houses that floated on water or soared into the skies, many variations of my beloved grandmothers' homes, and a recurring dream of a yurt in the wilderness.  I tend to do my grieving in my sleep in my dreams.  While I was trying to make my marriage work I had nearly nightly dreams of living with my parents, not in their home but one belonging to me.  My sisters drifted in and out as did my children suggesting this and then that.  One night I dreamed they told me they couldn't help me anymore saying "you have to get out, now" and when I woke up I knew my marriage had crashed and burned.