Coming from a place of love
One thing that happens to me now after the holidays and in the dark and cold of winter is I start thinking about how I want to be and become in this world. Not my physical self but hoping to be a better, kinder person. I have the time (once again) to ponder the my continuing difficult relationship with one of my three sisters. Recently I can see that she is trying to work that out too.A few years ago I would not have believed it.
All four of us have described our childhoods as being "raised by wolves," dysfunctional as many families and yet both of my grandmothers were infinitely kind and loving women. As we aged we started seeing how some of those traits showed in our parents. Dad didn't think the world was kind or safe and he wanted us to be strong and competent.
I'm chewing over what kind of parent I've been. Wishing I had been as kind and patient with my sons as I am with my grandchildren. Examining my troubled nearly 30-year marriage to an alcoholic. If I'd never married him I wouldn't had my much loved sons. He's sober 25+ years now, why should I forgive him? Ah, but why not forgive him? Can he forgive me, most ill marriages have two contributors and ours did. Aging has rubbed the corners off us and we have been speaking like friends the last few years. He came to visit for our oldest son's birthday last October and he seemed smaller and old. It stabbed my heart to see him that way and to see my/our sons' concern. I am trying to correct myself that I think of them as "my" sons. I think that is a clue to something I'm not proud of.
“When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change”
Thich Nhat Hanh
I have the time to read and re-read Thich Nhat Hanh whom I admire and has showed me a way through many bad times. And you notice while he says the situation will change, he doesn't say it will change in a way I want. I read my bible, and Thomas Moore's book "The Education of the Heart." Bear in mind I also just finished reading two Henning Mankell non-Wallender mysteries and started reading an online history of the early Qin Dynasty. I not a soulful monastic.
I am trying to understand what truly forgiving means: so far it seems to be for me a lightening of heart, not being burdened by anger or resentment; something that appears after the work is well in process or done and so far has surprised me every time.
I am trying to learn to come from a place of love in my actions. I have to think about it first. At one far end, I can't apply it to our current president, I try to pray for him to become a good person, but if he were here I would have a hard time not spitting on him as primitive and unproductive as that might be, yet satisfying. But when my five year-old grandgirl dumped a cup of orange juice into my rug, I wasn't upset. I cleaned it up and went out and bought cups with lids. Come to think of it, that's what I did with my kids too. All is not lost.
Love and peace to you all.
All four of us have described our childhoods as being "raised by wolves," dysfunctional as many families and yet both of my grandmothers were infinitely kind and loving women. As we aged we started seeing how some of those traits showed in our parents. Dad didn't think the world was kind or safe and he wanted us to be strong and competent.
I'm chewing over what kind of parent I've been. Wishing I had been as kind and patient with my sons as I am with my grandchildren. Examining my troubled nearly 30-year marriage to an alcoholic. If I'd never married him I wouldn't had my much loved sons. He's sober 25+ years now, why should I forgive him? Ah, but why not forgive him? Can he forgive me, most ill marriages have two contributors and ours did. Aging has rubbed the corners off us and we have been speaking like friends the last few years. He came to visit for our oldest son's birthday last October and he seemed smaller and old. It stabbed my heart to see him that way and to see my/our sons' concern. I am trying to correct myself that I think of them as "my" sons. I think that is a clue to something I'm not proud of.
“When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change”
Thich Nhat Hanh
I have the time to read and re-read Thich Nhat Hanh whom I admire and has showed me a way through many bad times. And you notice while he says the situation will change, he doesn't say it will change in a way I want. I read my bible, and Thomas Moore's book "The Education of the Heart." Bear in mind I also just finished reading two Henning Mankell non-Wallender mysteries and started reading an online history of the early Qin Dynasty. I not a soulful monastic.
I am trying to understand what truly forgiving means: so far it seems to be for me a lightening of heart, not being burdened by anger or resentment; something that appears after the work is well in process or done and so far has surprised me every time.
I am trying to learn to come from a place of love in my actions. I have to think about it first. At one far end, I can't apply it to our current president, I try to pray for him to become a good person, but if he were here I would have a hard time not spitting on him as primitive and unproductive as that might be, yet satisfying. But when my five year-old grandgirl dumped a cup of orange juice into my rug, I wasn't upset. I cleaned it up and went out and bought cups with lids. Come to think of it, that's what I did with my kids too. All is not lost.
Love and peace to you all.
posted by Celia | January 10, 2018
8 Comments:
I am a work in progress too, struggling with forgiveness. I know from past experience forgiveness is self liberating and worth the work to accomplish. And it was work. I am working on other issues of forgiveness now but I am not there yet and may never be, in spite of a desire to get there. It is hard to get past the hurt but when I do, forgiveness will come. I hope sooner rather than later. It consumes too much energy not to forgive.
From experience I know forgiveness is freedom for the one who forgives. I wish I could forgive all the time. Such is not the case. I am working on it!
I do like this new format a lot. It's a user friendly place to stop in. A really great post too.
I have to work hard on forgiveness, myself especially. My life as an alcoholic was tumultuous and at times really harsh on my kids. Only now 30 some years into this new life, my kids seem to have forgiven me...at last.
I was thinking, perhaps you could just put a lid on your sister.
How very honest and down-to-earth you are Celia with this post - and courageous to share with us as well!
We share some similarities in family situations. I have a sister who I never thought I'd speak to again, but slowly we are mending our fences. There were 5 of us siblings - 4 now as my older brother died in 2002.
My first marriage was not a good one. He was too controlling and manipulative and my eldest son still suffers emotionally even though they now speak together. But I too wondered why I married him and wouldn't my life and my childrens have been better without him? But as you acknowledged, those children would not have been born. And it does take two to tango.
I also wish I had taken more time to listen to my children when they were telling me things. I was working full time and had my head on the next project, the next meal, whatever and sort of zoned out many times and just nodded my head. I missed a lot of what they were going through as school kids. Oh, to have that time back again.
And I can totally relate to the OJ spilled on the carpet. "Oh well," and then you mop up and go on with the day. LOL. I love it! Grandmotherhood is so much more relaxed.
Forgiveness is not condoning the action, it's letting go of the anger, frustration, and hurt. Setting one free. And I think it's trying to understand where the other person was coming from.
I find it very hard to forgive my first husband, and constantly have to remind myself that he was the way he was because of his upbringing.
Forgiving can be a tough one. I'm not there yet with my brother, and may never be. Sometimes one has to just walk away...
It is a miracle even with babysteps. I have a brother who voted for a crazy person and we are not close but do not fight. I have forgiven him but will never understand him.
Excellent thoughts. Not easy to diagram our lives and see where changes could/should have been made. All we can do is live here, now, and do better with what we know from our experience.
As for the current president, a true narcissist, I would like to add what I learned from having an in-law who was also a true narcissist. You cannot ever change them. I'm not sure that God could change them. The best thing to do is run away from the narcissist and not let oneself be manipulated by him/her.
The title of this blog post drew me in. I used the phrase - in the end, there is only love - to wrap up my reflections on 2017. I'm learning to let go of so many things; that's surrender (to a higher power?). I'm letting go of my need to be responsible (relinquishing control?) for others and settling into coming from a place of love. I need to give space for others' emotions and paths. My only responsibility is to love.
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