Small Thoughts on Aging
When a button popped off my favorite flannel shirt I put it on my dresser where it would remind me to sew it back on. Looking down the front I could see no buttons missing. I carefully sewed it the inside next to the other thoughfully supplied "extra button" to use later. When I put my shirt on the next day I discovered it was the button from my cuff. Grrr. So I cut it loose and resewed it where it belonged, thinking to myself "brain fart," a phrase my family likes for these moments.
I have friends who can no longer drive.
When I get to the grocery I can no longer count on recalling those items I left off my list. I stick to the list so I don't pick up two non-listed cans of stewed tomatoes only to find I already have half a dozen in my cupboard because I did this last time too. Every six months I hand that stuff over to the food bank while they are fresh and usuable. This has been going on for a long time, not a new thing just more frequently. Also since my youngest son has nine kids when I arrive home with a second bag of satsumas I take that to their house where they will disappear before dinner.
What a small problem and I can do my own shoppping and drive myself nearly anywhere I wish. My co-grandmother S., my sweet daughter-in-law's Mom has begun getting lost driving the four blocks from the grocery back to her home. We think she has been forgetting to eat too. She's six years younger than I.
I also seem to have lost some self-control about eating goodies. I make brownies, eat two and deliver the rest to the above mentioned grandchildren. If I don't I'm likely to eat the whole pan for dinner, or lunch. Why? It even makes me feel ill. So I never buy two candy bars at the same time for the same reason. I can go for weeks without buying this stuff (I'm diabetic) but if I do it's gone in minutes. Why can I recall that I bought my favorite chocolate bar last week and not buy one this week but I can't remember the cans of tomatoes or the two times I already bought tissues on sale? I suppose the chocolate lights up something in my brain that tomatoes never would. Thank goodness the non-chocolate stuff doesn't attract me. Except cheesecake. Once when I was pregnant I ate a whole Sara Lee cheesecake for lunch. Frozen. Maybe this isn't new. The result is a carefully written and adhered to grocery list made after looking through the cupboards.
What we need is Randome Access Memory for humans except even that is too simplistic. S. can recall unresolved arguments from 40 years ago and has attempted to restart those disputes at the family dinners with her former husband. Then she will come to and carry on a normal converstion with no memory of the road she just tried to go down again.
I've also noted I have less restraint about saying what I think. The grocery store again. Why do people plant themselves and their carts in the middle of the aisle making a traffic jam in both directions. Mostly I coped with this by going very early in the day to the grocery, better parking and fewer people. Before I would politely ask them to move, some did, some didn't. Now I just move their basket down the aisle, smiling all the way, unless it's a mom with little kids. Them I am inclined to forgive them most anything. I haven't forgotten trying to shop with my two toddlers, I seem to swear more than I used to do. I never used to swear. Ever. Maybe it's from watching too much tRump on the news. I doubt it though. But my grands start laughing in the car and I"m saying "what, what?" You just said "shit" they chortle. "You told that guy to go screw himself when he cut you off. "Tee hee, hee. Oh well. Not a biggie in the larger picture of our world.
So that scratching fear most of us have about dementia is in our laps now. In the larger house of our family, changing plans as we talk and we feel sad and S. is scared, and angry.
If in the twilight of memory we should meet once more, we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song. Khalil Gibran
I have friends who can no longer drive.
When I get to the grocery I can no longer count on recalling those items I left off my list. I stick to the list so I don't pick up two non-listed cans of stewed tomatoes only to find I already have half a dozen in my cupboard because I did this last time too. Every six months I hand that stuff over to the food bank while they are fresh and usuable. This has been going on for a long time, not a new thing just more frequently. Also since my youngest son has nine kids when I arrive home with a second bag of satsumas I take that to their house where they will disappear before dinner.
What a small problem and I can do my own shoppping and drive myself nearly anywhere I wish. My co-grandmother S., my sweet daughter-in-law's Mom has begun getting lost driving the four blocks from the grocery back to her home. We think she has been forgetting to eat too. She's six years younger than I.
I also seem to have lost some self-control about eating goodies. I make brownies, eat two and deliver the rest to the above mentioned grandchildren. If I don't I'm likely to eat the whole pan for dinner, or lunch. Why? It even makes me feel ill. So I never buy two candy bars at the same time for the same reason. I can go for weeks without buying this stuff (I'm diabetic) but if I do it's gone in minutes. Why can I recall that I bought my favorite chocolate bar last week and not buy one this week but I can't remember the cans of tomatoes or the two times I already bought tissues on sale? I suppose the chocolate lights up something in my brain that tomatoes never would. Thank goodness the non-chocolate stuff doesn't attract me. Except cheesecake. Once when I was pregnant I ate a whole Sara Lee cheesecake for lunch. Frozen. Maybe this isn't new. The result is a carefully written and adhered to grocery list made after looking through the cupboards.
What we need is Randome Access Memory for humans except even that is too simplistic. S. can recall unresolved arguments from 40 years ago and has attempted to restart those disputes at the family dinners with her former husband. Then she will come to and carry on a normal converstion with no memory of the road she just tried to go down again.
I've also noted I have less restraint about saying what I think. The grocery store again. Why do people plant themselves and their carts in the middle of the aisle making a traffic jam in both directions. Mostly I coped with this by going very early in the day to the grocery, better parking and fewer people. Before I would politely ask them to move, some did, some didn't. Now I just move their basket down the aisle, smiling all the way, unless it's a mom with little kids. Them I am inclined to forgive them most anything. I haven't forgotten trying to shop with my two toddlers, I seem to swear more than I used to do. I never used to swear. Ever. Maybe it's from watching too much tRump on the news. I doubt it though. But my grands start laughing in the car and I"m saying "what, what?" You just said "shit" they chortle. "You told that guy to go screw himself when he cut you off. "Tee hee, hee. Oh well. Not a biggie in the larger picture of our world.
So that scratching fear most of us have about dementia is in our laps now. In the larger house of our family, changing plans as we talk and we feel sad and S. is scared, and angry.
If in the twilight of memory we should meet once more, we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song. Khalil Gibran
posted by Celia | January 12, 2019
6 Comments:
I hear you, Celia. We live in scary times, in more ways than one.
No one was ever afraid of alzheimer's when I was younger. My grandfather never even got fuzzy like my mother did. Like I am doing.
I can relate! Ah well, spring is coming...........eventually. LOL.
I'm worried about you. You normally aren't silent this long.
This is a most beautiful post. I too have to stick to my list. If I don't shop for the list, I can't make dinner. I forget words. Very embarrassing having G fill in words for me. After the last surgery, my hands shake. Wearing out would be funny, if it weren't so heartbreaking. I now have an appointment with a Neurologist...scary stuff.
I don’t drive anymore either and that’s scary because if something happened to my husband, I’d be lost. I’m forgetting things more easily and having to be more conscious of not falling. I have much to be grateful for, but I am also fearful of my declining years.
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